(Parody of America’s “Declaration of Independence”)
When in the course of storage events
it becomes necessary for one refrigerator to dispense of the food that is rotten within it, and to assume that it can separate that which is wholesome from that which
is putrid by the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God allow it, a decent respect to the co-laborers in mankind requires that they should expel said putrid food – separating it from the above storage refrigerant.
We hold these foods to be self-evident: that all are created for consumption; that they are endowed by their creator and with inherent and growing inedible qualities; that among these are mold, stink and the pursuit of rottenness: that to secure sanitation of this vessel, promoting health among humans, deriving the nutrition from that which is wholesome; that whenever any form of mold becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to dispose of it, & to institute new refreshment options, laying its foundation on such nutritional benefits, & organizing its produce in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their health & happiness. Prudence indeed will dictate that putridness long established should not be kept for light & transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that humans are more disposed to suffer while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by themselves by destroying the rancid fare to which they are accustomed. But when a long time has passed since expirations & perturbability begun at a normal epoch of time and pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a sign to reduce them to utter disgust, it is their right, it is their duty to throw away such objects of disturbance and provide new space for fresh nutrition.
Such has been the patient endurance of these people; & such is now the necessity to expunge their former fetid forms of nourishment. THe history of the present Pastoral Care department is a history of frivolous refrigeration and abandonment of potentially wholesome victuals, among which appears no solitary piece or perpetrator to indict on such charges, but all have in direct contributions to the establishment of an irregularly sour display. To prove this let facts be submitted to a candid world for the truth of which we pledge a faith yet unsullied by rot.
The FRIDGE has continued to house abandoned food for time beyond past healthful consumption.
The FRIDGE has continued to expend energy to maintain the life of said spoiled consumables.
The FRIDGE has been neglected in its duty by unnamed perpetrators.
The FRIDGE has been utilized by multiple parties within the department.
In every stage of these oppressions we have implored in humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered sometimes by non-compliance.
We therefore, the representatives of the Pastoral Care Department of Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in one singular office, do in the name and by the authority of Rev. Scott L. Sempier reject and renounce all rancid food & subjections to their effect in this kitchen and all other rancid foods that may hereafter proceed: we utterly dissolve all emotional connection which may heretofore have subsisted between us and the sustenance that is aforementioned. And finally, we do assert and declare this refrigerant storage unit to be free and independent of slime and mold and that as free and clean nutrition, this refrigerator has full power to exude to the health and well-being of those who participate in its usage.
And for the support of this declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our best efforts, health & our honor.